Wednesday, August 21, 2013

The DudeBro Bill of Rights

It's been a while since I've written.  The subject of Dudebros and their faux outrage at President Obama, the NSA, and the west in general got me to thinking.  Maybe the dudebros need to form their own nation. If they're going to do that, the need a Constitution, and a Bill of Rights.

For those wondering about who the Dudebros are, they are generally the far left libertarians in the vein of Glenn Greenwald and Edward Snowden. Some call them Utopian Left, some call the Emo-progressives.

Tom Nichols at his blog The War Room describes them as nihilistic millenials, who got a ribbon for participating and thought they won something. He further says they're incredibly self centered and immature and have no concept of how things work in the real world.   

So here follows the Dudebro Bill of Rights. I took liberties with the constitution by adding a preamble, but if the Kenyan Marxist Socialist Nazi President Blackenstein can trample on the Constitution, anyone can. 

The DudeBro Bill of Rights


We the Dudebros , in Order to form the most perfect Union, establish Just Us, disrupt domestic Tranquility, Disdain for The Common and Defense, Disdain for Welfare, Secure the blessings of Libertarians to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for Dudebros but not Evil America.

Amendment 1

Dudebros shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, except for the cult of personality as evidenced in the divine visage of Julian Assange and his prophet Edward Snowden. or abridging the freedom of speech, unless its the speech we don't like especially if it comes from brown people. No abridgement of the Dudebro Press Glenn Greenwald and David Sirota , but the evil Mainstream Media totes abridged. The right of the people to peaceably assemble, unless they're brown, then they'll be frisked. And to petition the Government for a redress of grievances, but  only our pet grievances, yours don't matter.

Amendment 2

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed, except those pesky Chicago thugs, they give gun owners a bad name.

Amendment 3

No Soldiers 

Amendment 4

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. So stop listening to my calls President Obummer.

Amendment 5

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, even if they steal state secrets and give them to bloggers, cause FREEDOM BRUH!

Amendment 6

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, except data thieves (See Amendment 5)

Amendment 7

In Suits at common law, frankly, we don't care about anything common. Our parents taught us all that we are special and precious and perfect and never wrong.

Amendment 8

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted, cruel punishments like hiding in an Ecuadorian Embassy is travesty.

Amendment 9

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people unless they're women, blacks, the poor, and centrists, then we can disparage them, cause they just don't get it man...

Amendment 10

The powers not delegated to the Dudebros by the Constitution,  don't really matter, because our Dudebro Utopia doesn't care about non Dudebros. 

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